[ journals ]

Pvt Ruiz
by dasha

Hooolllyy sheeet. I can't believe I am doing it, man. Thw world must be comin' to an end or somethin'. I am writing a journal. Thass right. Me. Alberto Ruiz writing a freakin' journal! My boys in the Bronx will not only mock me if they ever find out, but they might kill me. Ain't no-one ever heard of a cool cat writing in no freakin' journal. I don't need no "writing down my feelings" and shit like that. I have a machine gun -- it talks for me. All the feelings come out when I am out there. I ain't no sissy that has to write somethin' to be okay. I am no weaklin'. I am proud to be a soldier, and I am a damn good soldier too.

Now, Baker is another story. He might write a whole book by tomorrow. He is all sensetive and shit like that. After him being taken by the gooks and his brother an' all that, he actually might have somethin' to write about. But me? Nothin' troubles Alberto Ruiz.

L-tee is probly the same. Sometimes, I think that he might have a breakdown if it wasn't for the sarge. I'm sure this dude has something to write about -- nobody likes him here, nobody cares one damn bit about what he says either. They just follow orders and pray that sarge was around when L-tee came up with them.

Personally, I think writing this shit is a waste of my time. I'd rather conquer the Nam's female component. I am sure Taylor is with me on that.

As far as writing about what happened in the past few days. I'd rather forget about it, and go on living.

Damn. What the hell. I guess, I should confess to myself anyhow. The one thing that shocked me so far is this god forgotten place is that mama-san. I owe that woman my life. And if I don't fight for me, I will definitely fight for her. I'll never be a coward either. Before I can even think that I have repaid my debt to her, I'll have to save more than just Baker's life.

Till later.

Pvt Baker
by spec 4 lori

Dear Daytona,

I think this stuff is all wierd, you know? I mean, we went on a patrol today and we were having some fun kind of. Well, a pig tried to eat my protien powder but it was pretty fun trying to catch the pig and get my stuff away from it.

But then the pig got shot, and then Pvt Alec got shot and then those three stern dwarves, well, they died in the hole. In the tunnel in the hole. It was pretty sad, but I try not to think about it too much. I miss being back in Chu Lai, it was much easier there. We just did PT all the time and then ate and then did fun stuff. This stuff we're doing now, well, it's just as challenging, but it's serious this time. You can't laugh at anything. My sergeant, he seems like a nice guy and all, but he's kind of scary. At least I think he likes me. He talkes to me a lot, especially about California. I miss California.

Then there's that guy Ruiz. He's really mean to me, and for some reason, I always get put in front of him when we go on patrol. The lieutenent tried to put me on point once, but I didn't think that worked out that well. Now I'm always in front of Ruiz, and he's always bugginh me, man! About everything -- my hair, how I talk, how I walk, what I say, everything! I think I'll just chill with him until he leaves me alone.

The other guys are pretty fun to be around. Percell is kinda shy, but I try and get him to play one on one football with me when we get some spare time. Taylor is a funny guy, but I don't try and talk to him, that would be like owning a pitbull. You never know when he's gonna strike out at you. Johnson is smart, he knows a lot about being in the bush and stuff, I like him, but I don't know what he thinks of me. Horne is really radical, but he's also really political, like those people I met in Haight-Ashbury. Rememeber then, Daytona? They were running around in love beads and hemp clothing, doing their "business" right on the streets and singing and stuff! And then they'd hold up signs and get real rough with people they didn't like. It's good they liked me. I'm a surfer.

Oh well, another day done. I gotta find some more Creatine, my jar is nearly done. Darn! I should have wrote mom for some before I left Chu Lai. I'll write her now. Scott.


Dear Daytona, I got a letter from my brother yesterday. I didn't have time to write about it cause we had to dig trenches all day, then we went on our patrol. Ruiz fell down when we went on patrol, but I helped him up and he's now a little nicer to me. Thank goodness the Sgt. didn't see, or else he'd have gotten yelled at!

Anyways, I miss Carl, he's doing great, he says he's having a lot of fun and stuff. I'm happy for him. I'm having fun to, but y'know, I was kind of hoping we'd end up together. He's meeting a lot of girls and he parties all the time. I wish I was more like him.

Man, it's hard being a vegetarian here. All we get is meat. In our C-Rats's is meat. At the mess is meat. Meat meat meat meat meat. I try and eat vegetarian, but sometimes it's hard, because I get so hungry, man! I guess I'll try a bit, maybe it won't be as bad as I remember. I know it's no good for me, Daytona, but when a guy is hungry, he's gotta chow.

See ya.


Dear Daytona,

Can't write long, but even though it was really bad with all that racial stuff going around, I couldn't belive it when Ruiz called me his friend! It made my day. I'm glad Johnson is innocent. I can't believe race means so much to some people. I'm Roo's friend! Scott!


Dear Daytona,

It was my birthday a couple days ago! Carl came by, and it was a big adventure. Me and Carl nearly got killed by VC! Then that would be then end of the Baker brothers, and, man, mom would be mad. I met a girl, but then Carl kinda ruined it for me and her. Oh well. I don't think I could bring her back to the world even if I wanted to. But it sure would have been nice to show her Daytona beach.

She kinda reminded me of Julia. Boy, that Julia could surf. I've never seen a girl as good as she was! The Ruiz, all he talks about is girls. How he went out with this girl and how that girl was really hot for him. But he's so short, and he doesn't really exercise or take care of his body ... I mean, he smokes too. I dunno. Maybe girls like that in guys. But I think the best thing you can do for yourself is take care of your body. I did 20 chin-ups today, knuckles forward! I could have done 21, but then the Doc came by and tickled me on my stomach. Ha ha ha! That was funny. Even Taylor laughed.

Seeing Carl again was great, but he also reminded me of how much I've changed. I mean, I feel like these guys are my family now. And I wanted them to like Carl as much as they liked me. I think they did, more than I thought they would. Most of the time I know we're twins. You know how twins got a physchic connection and stuff? Is that how you spell physchic? Oh well. Yeah, so I don't know if me and Carl totally have that. It would be cool if we did, though. Then we'd be all mystical and stuff, and really know eachother. When he came to celebrate our birthdays, though, I didn't feel like I really knew him, until we saved ourselves from the VC. I'm so glad he's alive though. I love him very much.

I got a package from mom today. No Creatine, but she got me my Vitamins. B, E4 and Complex B3. Good stuff, Daytona. Good woman, my mom. I wish Ladybird had phones, I'd love to give her a call.

Today we gotta go on another patrol. It's okay, I'm getting used to it now. But it's not doing good for me physically, you know? Marching doesn't help exercise the body, it only drains the body of water and other essential fluids. I try and bring lots of water, but I always finish my canteens real fast. Johnson's been nice, he's given me one of his. Well, gotta go. Scott

Spec4 Percell
by lt mac

~Journal July 22nd, 1967~

So, the new camp shrink's been here less than a week and he's already throwing his rank around and wants everyone to 'express their feelings' in writing.

Man, where do they find these guys?

The L-tee was just here, looking more ticked off with the brass than he usually does. Apparently the new head shrinker went to Major Darling about our platoon being the only one still to bring any 'journals' as he calls them, to him to read.

What does that tell you? Maybe that Bravo Company is the best adjusted unit in this stupid war and this exercise is all a big waste of everybody's time?

Anyway, it was pretty funny when Taylor asked the L-tee if 'he'd' written about his 'feelings' yet -- in only the way Taylor can and get away with it. Man, if I'd a tried that, my sorry white ass would be back out there stirring latrine pots. Just the same I think I saw Marcus go a little pale when the L-tee just stood there and gave him his 'watch it' look. Yeah, we've got names for most of the L-tee's 'looks'.

Well, we weren't told what to write about so I ain't sure what the Doc wants to see.

My feelings? I don't know how to write that stuff. I mean I'm just a lousy grunt. What could I tell him?

Okay, well, I guess I should talk about the last mission. Cause he'd probably think there was something wrong with me because I 'didn't' mention it. 'cept I don't know what good journaling is gonna do? We could all write till next Tuesday and it ain't gonna change what happened.

Maybe if they stopped shipping these messed up cherries to us, things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. Hell, if they're gonna send 'em out so green they still glowed, they might as well issue 'em their own personalized body bags when they're handing them their damned dog tags. Pardon my French.

I never learned the private's name. Never talked to him. And for that I'm awful sorry. I might have been able to tell him about things. Warned him that it wasn't going to be like anything he ever imagined. But I didn't. But I can't let that eat me up either. I'm truly sorry he's dead. And I know that by leaving him there, that way, was the only chance we all had to come out of the jungle alive.

I don't know how the L-tee sleeping these nighst. It was on his orders we turned our backs on the kid. I'd never be an Officer for a million bucks. Uh-uh, no sir. I'm doing my tour and I am out of here. I think I saw him cry. (But I can't be sure. I was too busy wiping at my own eyes.)

You deal with a pile of emotions when you're here or try to avoid dealing with them. Emotions you wished would go away before they drive you right crazy. They come for you at night, when it's quiet and there's a long stretch of dark before morning. And it's funny but, you know all the guys are probably feeling the same but nobody talks about it. It's like you'd be admitting a weakness if you admitted you were all torn up cause that 18 year old cherry beside you just got blown to bits, and you had to keep humpin' through the stinkin' jungle with his guts and blood splattered all over you.

I don't understand why we're doin' it! And nobody wants to try and explain it to any of us. We're told to 'do your duty', 'do as you're told', 'you're not paid to think'. I'm getting better at not thinking. I just wish I could get better at not feeling.

Okay, I just laid there and watched as that kid died. Laid there with all the other guys and just watched. So, big deal, I didn't know him, right? There was nothing we could do. We couldn't move. We couldn't make a sound or we would have revealed our position. And more might have died.

I just don't understand what the Army has done to me that made me able to watch in cold silence as those VC bastards tortured him until he was dead. And then the things they did to his body ....

I'm afraid to close my eyes at night. I still see it there playing on my eyelids over and over. I can't get it outta my head. I'm awake most of the night lately and I hear the guys struggling with it too. Roo -- Little Mr. I'm-from-the-Bronx Tough Guy woke himself up crying last night. I pretended I was asleep so he wouldn't be all embarrassed. He'd do the same for me.

We haven't been out on patrol since that mission and that was nearly 9 days ago. I think the guys are all glad cause I don't think any of us are ready to go back out yet. We need some time or we're gonna be seeing things in the tree lines that ain't really there.

Huh, thinking about it, I guess the Doc ain't so bad after all. I think maybe he sees that we're all still kinda messed up about it, even though none of us are talking about it. I wonder what the other guys are writing about ...?

Well, I guess I'm feeling a little better about all this. I know I'm going to have to get past this if I'm going to survive here. You've got to keep your wits about you every second, cause that's all it takes to die here. One second you're here, the next one you're not. I also know I'm gonna have a few bad memories of this place when I go home to my Big Sky Country and this is gonna be one of the the bad ones that'll keep me company on long cold winter nights when the wind is howling and the dead come back to talk about old times.

I think I'm gonna stop writing now. Maybe I should take a walk over to the dispensary, or something. Maybe leave this where the Doc can find it.
Okay, bye now.

Lt McKay
by cpl maggie

Wow, I feel great! Myron and me were at the Officer's Club, drinking and having a good time. Well I was anyway. Myron was just drinking -- "good time" optional, if you know what I mean. Sometimes it's like that guy is pissed off all the time just to spite me.

Anyway, there were a bunch of nurses who were guests of some visiting captain from Saigon, and this one blonde, Cyndi, whoo-hoo! Did she ever dig me! And I'm talking living doll, here; big blonde hair, big long gams, big ... well, you get the picture. And Johnny McKay's gonna be getting it tomorrow, cause I'm driving her into town to pick up some "souvenirs" (cute, huh?) and maybe some dinner, and maybe back to my pad for some memories she can take home too.

Over and Out!


I did the worst thing today. I knocked over a deaf kid with my jeep while I was taking my blonde du jour Cyndi out on the town. This is even worse than the time I tilted my chopper so Myron would fall out. Cause, y'know, that wasn't from very high up and anyway Myron bounced and he was more mad than hurt. But this poor kid's an orphan! She doesn't have anybody in the whole wide world to look out for her. That's bad enough without me knocking her over.

Thank God she lives in an orphanage with the most wonderful woman I've ever met, Sister Bernadette. The work she does with these poor little children really is God's work. And there's Buddhist nuns at the orphanage too. I don't think they're orphans but I guess they fit in with the whole place. Sister Bernadette has the nicest French accent I've ever heard. Not that I've heard a whole lot of French accents but, you know.

I think I'm gonna go back to the orphanage and keep an eye on things. They look like they could use a man's help. It's not safe for a bunch of women and kids to be on their own here.


I managed to convince Doc Hockenbury to help me smuggle some medical supplies out to the orphanage! Wow, did it ever feel good to see him tending to those kids, with all their scrapes and cuts and bumps and bruises. I think Suan Li, the little girl I knocked over, has even forgiven me for hitting her with the jeep. Of course, that's probably because I gave her the cow that Cyndi bought for her little sister back home!

I don't know what it is about that orphanage, and Sister Bernadette, and Yu Long (that's the Buddhist nun) that keeps making me go back. I guess it's just...a lack of something to believe in, y'know? I mean, being the best and fastest and loudest chopper jock there was used to make me feel fulfilled, but now ... I don't know. I guess that eventually a man needs something else in his life. But is religion what I need? Hell, I can't even make it through a simple sentence with Sister Bernadette without cussing like a sailor!

Maybe if I talk it over with her, she'd be able to help me figure it all out. I'm so suddenly confused, and nothing makes sense anymore. I feel like Horatio, like there are "more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in my philosophy." Say, maybe a good talk with Myron would help. He's my best buddy, after all!


Talking with Myron didn't help at all. Well, actually, that's unfair to say. It might have helped if Myron wanted to talk to me, but he just kinda twitched his head a lot and said he was too busy for a drink in the Officers' Mess with me. Oh, well. I guess being a boonie rat is way more work than flying the choppers, so I shouldn't be too upset.


The worst thing happened today, even worse than when I hit Suan Li with the jeep! I was in town helping Sister Bernadette get some books for the orphanage, and we found Yu Long in the square, and she immolated herself! Poured a can of gasoline all over and just torched herself, no screaming or anything! Just like a Christian martyr or something!

God, I'll never forget that as long as I live -- I mean, that's one of my worst nightmares, getting shot at in my chopper and going down in flames, and here this nun goes and sets herself on fire on purpose! God, how can a person do that?

But then, I guess that's what religion is all about, it's the strength to do these kind of things and take a stand for what you believe in.

Johnny McKay, what do you believe in?


I haven't written in a looooong time -- been really busy with stuff going on around here. We spent Christmas at the orphanage. It's time for me to move on now, because all the GI activity is making the orphanage a target for the VC.

It's gonna be sad leaving Sister Bernadette and the kids (Suan Li really likes me now!), but it's for the better. I don't want any of them to get hurt.

And besides, I kind of feel like that part of my life is over now, that introspective questioning part. Sister Bernadette was the greatest woman I've ever known -- warm, caring, affectionate. I haven't had a lot of women like that in my life. Hell, I haven't had any at all.

And she helped me through a really rough time, when I didn't know what I was in this godforsaken country for, and what I was flying for, and what I was even born for. I've been around, I've seen guys get into that funk and never get out of it except maybe by eating a bullet.

But now I know. Just seeing how happy the kids were to see me, and being able to give them all those medical supplies, and seeing Sister Bernadette's smile when I came through the door -- that's why I'm here. That's why all of us are over here. Because we can make a difference to the kids who were hurt in this war.

So it's okay for me to be a bigshot hotdog chopper jockey, as Myron puts it, because I've done something good in Vietnam. Sure, it won't get me any medals, but ....

Ah, shit. Listen to me getting all sentimental and preachy and stuff. Who do I think I am, Sgt. Anderson?

Johnny McKay's back in the air with a vengeance, baby! Mamasans, lock up your daughters!

Over and Out!

Spec4 Taylor
by spec 4 sabu

Journal Entry Summer of '68

Yeah so some cracker jack head shrinker is making everyone on Base write these damn journals, cuz of that fraggin' incident in the latrines on base the other week. She wanna make sure we all ain't psycho or somethin'. Don't she understand that it's this war that's got all of us grunts messed up?! Some shrink, prolly got her diploma in some ivy league cereal box or something, thinking she fix us all up.

You know what's really got my blood boiling? No it ain't being blamed for the fraggin'. Hey it was the supply sarge that no-one liked, and had all us brothers on his black list. Nothing really changes, even if you're covering the whitey ass or not. We held down on the white man's land and now in this white man's war.

Know what else got me in the ass a little. I gave the Lt the money back that I conned out of them cherries. Man they so stupid they deserved to get the greens taken from 'em. Hell, i must be developing a conscience. It's Johnson, man, ain't never seen such a wholesome brother in my life. Tha's what you get for being a Mississippi farm boy. He and Danny, boy, wholesome. Lucky for him he got me to show him what's what.

What really has my blood pumpin, is that lil' sista I been wasting my choice moves on. That girl don't know the color of her skin, she only knows the brass on your shoulders, which I got none of. Can you believe that girl laughed at my best lines. "Mr. Coffee – cause I'm black, hot, and I'll keep you up all night." She honest to God laughed at me!! What does that girl know anyway, she wouldn't know a black brother if he came up to her slapped that bitch one. Hell no. Those whores in sin city got better taste than her, and prolly taste better than her too. OOOhhh yeah!

I'm thinking I should come up with some new lines she just won't be able to resist ... uh –huh you know it! Lets see ... Maybe I'll be Mr. Chocolate, cause I'm sweet an better than sex. Naw, maybe I'll stick with coffee cause one gulp just never enough ... heh heh. Or yeah, cause I'm hot and steamy, and got me a burn you won't forget. Cause I can keep you warm from the inside out. Oh mama you know you can't resist ME.

Damn, hotties in Detroit could never pass on brother as smooth and delicious like me. I miss them Detroit honeys. Maybe I'm losing my edge.

... Nawww.

Lt. Goldman
by cpt sue

Today I found out my mother not only died, but is buried. I wasn't there. I wasn't told. Damn him for not telling me! How could he call himself a father when he can't even tell his only child that their mother died?! How could he think to keep this from me? She was MY mother. I had a right to know. And he had no right, not even as her husband, to withhold this kind of news.

Oh God! My mother, dead. I knew she was lonely, knew she'd been hurt, but ... to take her life? Yes, she took her life. I know she was unhappy with my ... the Colonel, but couldn't she find some happiness in me? I was her son. I loved her ... so much. We only had each other. We only had one another to turn to and believe in. I believed in her. I guess she didn't believe in me. She took a fistfull of sleeping pills, and never woke up.

I never should have come here to military school. Hell, I never wanted to be in the army. It was all his idea. Anything I did was never good enough for him. It was like I was some disappointment that embarrassed him. Nothing I ever did, ever wanted, pleased him. So here I am, at Officer Canyon School, training to be what made my mother kill herself, a military man. I should have told him no. I should have become an English Lit professor like I wanted. But I figure the only way to ever get his approval is to surpass him. And the only way to do that is to be an even better soldier than he was. And I'll be damned if I ever fail at it. Maybe then ....

I hate him. I'll never be able to forgive him this. What had my mother ever seen in him? What had she ever loved about him? He was never home, and when he was he treated us like we were his squad. Orders. Orders and displeasure. Maybe she did love me, but just couldn't take him anymore. Doesn't stop the pain. I lost the one parent who ever showed me a scrap of affection, and am left with him. Where's the justice? To mom or me? Once again he can go on, untouched. I'll bet he never even shed a tear for her loss. He's such a cold sonovabitch. And I hope I never turn into someone like him.

Mom ... I love you. I'll miss you. I wish you'd talked to me. Turned to me. Maybe together we could have survived this, helped you. I always wished I had the power to help you when I'd hear you crying at night. But by daylight you acted like nothing was wrong. I figured you were okay. Was I wrong! I'm sorry. Forgive me ....


Pvt Horne
by spec 4 gabbie

This past year was the worst year of my life. It all started when i was just sitting alone minding my own business and playing my harmonica when this man came up to me asking me about my music. His name, Sargent Zeke Anderson, he's been here recruiting some cherries and i never thought id be one of them. I told him i didn't want to, that i didn't believe in war but he basically ignored it and recruted me. Boy, how i don't want to do this, how i hate this war.

But during this past year i met some great guys. Seargent Anderson actually turned out to be a great guy as the new LT, Myron Goldman. Then Corporal Daniel Percell, Private Alberto Ruiz, (who by the way kissed a lizzard on our first tour), Private Scott Baker, (who was a big health freak), Spc4 Marcus Taylor (who thinks he's god's gift to women) and Spc4 Marvin Johnson.We are all buddies. In this war, you need friends around to keep you sane.

Thats about the only good thing that came out of this senseless war. I killed for the first time on my first tour. He was about to shoot at our Sarge. I didn't want to do it, but what choice did i have. This war is wrong, too wrong. It was the same thing day in and day out. Going on our tour, and killing so we won't be killed. We had to move a whole village once, full of old people,woman and children. I remember setting their hootches on fire, how that must have destroyed them, they built this village and we came to destroy it. Ruiz became close with Mama'san. Never thought he had it in him. But he helped her, till she died saving him. Too many innocent people died in this war. How much more of this can a man take, how much more can i take?

What i don't understand is that Taylor was a short timer. He was going home and he seemed thrilled that he was, I sitll remember to this day in the copter on the way back, his exact words "Woo Louise, heat the coffee, the cream is on the way". Then something changed, he didn't want to go back, he'd rather fight the war then to go back home. Why would he? Why would any man choose war over home. I just don't understand it? I just don't.

On one of our tours, we came accross Montegards that were led by an ex-American GI. We helped them by building farms and such. It felt good using my hands to build something instead of using them to destroy. I came accross this young girl, she must have been around 8 years old. She took a liking to me and I to her. They had invited us to a party. They entertained us and in return, we had to entertain them. I'll admit, that was the most fun i had all year. Me and the Sarge pretending to play our harmonicas while Taylor was singing into a broom stick. It was a good change of pace. I think we all had fun. But things went back to normal quick when the party was interrupted by explosions and near-bye gun fire. We were being attacked, once again. That innocent little girl was killed. I held her in my arms and couldn't say anything. Her father was standing infront of me waiting for me to hand her over, but i couldn't, i just couldn't. I wanted her eyes to open. Why did she have to die, another innocent victem of this damn war. The Sarge came and told me that i had to give her back. I didn't hear him at first, i don't think i wanted to. But he was her father, it pained me to see the beautiful little girl lying so limp in my arms. But i finally handed her over. What turned out to be the best day out of that year, turned out to be the most horrible day of the year, for me.

I finally had to much of this. Our last mission was to take a Hill that we had taken 3 times before. We took it, then we lost it. Just kept on taking it and leiting it go. Why? Why do we have to lose more lifes taking the same damn hill again and again. It just didn't make any sense. I didn't know what we were fighting for. Were we here just for the hell of it, or was there meaning to this big mess. I just didn't care anymore. Finally i just broke down during our tour up the hill. Sarge wasn't too happy about it. He sent me back down to where all the injured was. I hated that i had dissappointed him and the rest of the platoon, but just couldn't do it anymore. As i was down there, Taylor came down with a bullet in him. I realized i had let him and the rest of the team down. I couldn't believe it when i saw one of my friends had almost been killed. I had grabbed my stuff and went back up that hill. I had to help them, and i did. While doing so, i got injured and got sent home. Which is why im writing this, too much time on my hands, i guess.

Well, even tho i stilll believe that this war is wrong, i just came to realize what we were fighting for ... our friends.

Till next time ....

Private Roger Horne

Doc Hock
by sgt button

Day One
....Well I almost fit in... the guys were warming up to me, including me in their jokes instead of being the butt of their jokes. Then I had to screw it all up. Man, they just don't understand. If I cave in on one belief, then what's to stop me from caving in on another, and then another? I'll lose myself. I am who I am. Well, at least the monkey doesn't mind my company... and that little babe from the Boom-Boom Room. What a sweet piece of meat to inject a needle into.... I can't believe Percell... I get him through the worst hell imaginable... next to being in this place... and he turns on me. Doesn't he know that when that kid got greased it felt like I'd been shot too? But I just couldn't do it. I sat there pointing the gun, the feel of the sun-warmed metal in my hands, my stomach twisted. I knew he'd kill us, but I couldn't do it. I can't kill. I try to heal people. Yeah, the kid got shot, but it's war! None of us should be over here.

Cousins.... he just laid there, his eyes pleading for help, burning with condemption cause I could've stopped it from happening... But I couldn't. I'll never forget those eyes burning into mine, hating me with his dying breath. It was part relief when they finally closed for the last time.

Coward... I've been branded a coward. How can I prove them wrong? I wasn't assigned to Team Viking because I was a coward. I was assinged to save lives, not take them. I told them from the start I would not kill. But I thought I'd proved myself not to be a coward.

Then there's LT. I really admire the guy. He still threw me off the team like yesterday's garbage. I guess I can't blame him. If I was leading these men I would protect them until my last breath... but it hurt all the same. He was very understanding about it all, but it didn't change what happened.

Taylor understands... It's something considering how close he and Danny are... I never thought he'd have such a serious side... Man he used to raze me... I'd give anything for that now from the guys instead of the cold shoulder. I know they're thinking that it might've been one of them who'd get killed next time I froze. But who's to say there'd be a next time. Well, they're safe from crazy ol' Doc now. I get the feeling something worse is coming.....

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