Note: song quoted here -
Lay Down (Candle in the Rain) as performed by Melanie with the Edwin
Hawkins Singers. Written by Melanie Safka.
Thanks to Doc LaVigne
and Mel for the beta help and the suggestions. As always, it's deeply
appreciated.
'You're so close, there was no room
We bled inside each other's wounds
We had all caught the same disease
We all sang the songs of peace.'
'Goldman sat on the floor of the Huey as he
always preferred to, up behind the co-pilot's seat with his knees
drawn up to his chest and his rifle, muzzle down, cradled loosely in his
arms. He had his face to the wind, letting it wash over him as he
silently watched the lush jungle rush by below the skids of the slick.'
'He closed his eyes for a moment, exhausted and
a bit numb as he laid his head back against the seat behind him. He
tried not to think. Tried not to remember.'
'It was Christmas Eve and McKay was flying just
a little lower than the angels.'
'Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.'
'The slick was crowded with his men- some of the
same men he'd spent Christmas Eve with last year. Percell, Taylor and
Ruiz. Just like this, in a slick heading back to base. With Anderson
sitting across from him then as he was now, watching him quietly.'
'It was the same then as it was now.'
'They were still in Vietnam. And it was
Christmas Eve once again.'
'Only then they had been trying to mutilate a
Christmas carol, one which Myron could not remember. And Anderson had
been trying to play his harmonica. Myron opened his eyes and turned his
head enough to look into the crowded cargo area of the slick. Some
things do change, he considered, as he watched Doc Hockenbury
re-bandaging the shoulder of the POW they were taking back to Barnett.'
'Myron realized that he could not remember the
last time he saw Anderson try to play that harmonica. And Firebase
Ladybird was a lifetime ago.'
'You're so close there was no room
We bled inside each other wounds.'
'Myron realized Doc was looking at him. Looking
through him. He uneasily slipped his gaze away from the medic's
curiosity only to find Anderson watching him as well with gentle
concern. Myron mentally flinched back from the sergeant's never ending
understanding and turned his face back into the rush of wind from the
rotors.'
'So much was still the same.'
'Yet everything had changed.'
'So raise the candles high
Oh you know we could stay black against the night.
So raise them higher again
And if you do we could stay dry against the rain.'
'"Doc, why you makin' such a fuss over
this guy?" Taylor's voice cut across Myron's distant thoughts
and he found himself glancing back inside the Huey. "It's not
like it's gonna matter in a few hours anyway. I say- just let the
bastard bleed."'
'"You know, Marcus- I'm kinda funny that
way. I see someone bleedin' all over the floor of the chopper here and
well- I just can't help it." Doc shook his head without looking
at his teammate. "Must be why I'm the medic and you're
not."'
'"I think we can all be thankful for
that!" Percell was shouldered up next to Anderson. He had been
reading a letter from home that he got just before they had gone out
this last time. He now tucked it back inside his shirt.'
'"Christmas Eve and you're just full of
good cheer, now ain'tcha, Doc?" Taylor's sarcasm was not lost
in the rush of the chopper's rotors.'
'"Hey, we're alive, ain't we?"
Doc, now finished, started putting odds and ends of medical supplies
back into his medkit.'
'"Yeah, well, in case you haven't
noticed, Hockenbury, this IS Vietnam!"'
'"And your point is, Marcus?"'
'Some came to sing.'
'Myron turned his attention once again to the
landscape that slipped by below him in a dizzying blur of greens. Last
year Taylor had been laughing and changing the words of the carol to
something less reverent. Last year Taylor still had Johnson. Things
change and Myron didn't want to remember.'
'Taylor's sullen anger and Percell's distant
shame brushed at the edges of his awareness. Last year it was simple
disappointment in the mail having been lost. This year, it was so much
more complicated.'
'So much had happened.'
'Some came to pray.'
'McKay brought the helicopter in over Barnett
and Myron watched the scenery change from the lush jungle to buildings
and vehicles and people. The Huey banked and came around, and Goldman
caught a glimpse of the SOG emblem that was painted on the platform. And
the peace sign. Camp Barnett sprawled out below in dull shades of greens
and browns as McKay started to settle the Huey towards the pad. The
rotors kicked a storm of dust that quickly surrounded the helicopter,
the camp disappearing in a haze of browns and reds for a moment. Then
the skids touched down and McKay cut the engine, the roar dying away
with the slowing of the massive blades.'
'Percell and Taylor were already hauling the
POW, none-too-gently, across the deck, Ruiz directly behind. Anderson
watched for a long moment before turning to Hockenbury.'
'And some came to keep the dark away.'
'"Let's go, Doc." Anderson nudged
the medic.'
'"What's gonna happen to the
prisoner?" Hockenbury was looking at Goldman, ignoring Anderson for
the moment.'
'"You did your part, Doc. Let it go
now." Anderson nudged the medic again, gently. "Just let it
go."'
'Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.'
'Myron could sense that Hockenbury was still
watching him. Could sense the other man's growing confusion and
sorrow.'
'You're so close there was no room.
We bled inside each other's wounds.'
'Exhausted, Goldman finally looked up. Behind
Hockenbury, he could see Johnny standing on the other side of the cargo
hold, flight helmet in his hands. Myron reached up and stripped the rag
from his head and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth before he
finally met the odd gray-green eyes of the medic.'
'Why?'
'The question hung in the air, unspoken between
them.'
'"Let it go, Doc." Myron finally found
his voice. Hockenbury's eyes darkened a shade. Myron felt a surge of
anger and despair wash over him, and he lowered his gaze to the deck.'
'Saying nothing, Doc Hock grabbed his medkit and
slid across the deck. He stood up next to McKay, who gently caught his
arm. "DON'T!" Hockenbury snapped and yanked himself out of
Johnny's grasp with a glare. The pilot stepped back a pace, hands up
in a warding gesture.'
'"Sorry, Doc."'
'"Don't," Hockenbury repeated, the
sudden flare of anger sliding away to be replaced by bewilderment in
those odd eyes of his when he glanced back at Anderson and Goldman, who
were still inside the bay of the chopper. Myron could see it clearly in
the other man's eyes, and feel it wash over him.'
'And there wasn't a thing he could do about
it. Goldman bowed before the unspoken accusation in the medic's
darkening eyes, and glanced down at the dusty deck of the chopper.
Nothing more was said and Hockenbury walked off, head down as he
shouldered his medkit. Johnny followed silently in his wake, unwilling
to let the medic be alone.'
'The heat of the late day and the smell of jet
fuel wrapped in around Myron.'
'He could feel a numbness starting to creep in
on the edges of his awareness as he listened to the comfortable ticking
sounds of the helicopter's cooling engine. His breathing sounded loud
in his ears. The rotors now secure, the crew chief reached in to get the
ammo cans, not paying any real attention to the two silent men still
sitting in the cargo hold.'
'The crush and press of so many emotions not
entirely his own started to ease in his mind.'
'Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.'
'Myron was too tired to fight back the
encroaching numbness. And wasn't sure he wanted to even if he did have
the strength. A small part of him warned himself to hang on, to not give
over to it entirely. He had made a promise, but he was no longer sure to
whom he'd made it. He didn't want the responsibility anymore.
Didn't want to have to remember why it was so important.'' '
' '
'Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.'
''
'There was simply so much he didn't want to
remember.'
'Nikki walked away from him, unable to accept
who he was. The nightmare that was Phu-an. Bellar betrayed a friendship
and understanding. Brewster was relieved of command. His father came to
tell him he was dying. And then there was Alex…'
'You're so close there was no room.
We bled inside each other's wounds.'
'Myron hugged his legs up to his chest and
pressed his face into his knees, trying not to shake.'
'"L-T."'
'It wasn't a question.'
'Myron had forgotten that Anderson was still
there. That the sergeant, his friend, was patiently waiting for him-
like he always did. Waiting for Myron to gather himself together.'
'Some came to keep the dark away.'
'"I'm alright," he finally
whispered. It was such a lie. And they both knew it.'
'Myron wrapped his arms tighter around his legs,
as if trying to hold himself together by sheer will. He could hear
Anderson shifting his weight around. Knew the man was looking at him,
could sense his honest concern.'
'And he was so afraid to reach for it. To touch
it and accept it. Too much lost. He couldn't bear to lose more.'
'"It's been a long year, L-T." The
words were soft and measured. "I'm sorry for it."'
'Unspoken was something else entirely- ''you're
slippin' away from me, from all of us. Most of all, from yourself.'
'Lay down, lay down, lay it all down. '
'Myron found himself looking up finally,
blinking in the sunlight that spilled into the cargo bay. What was there
to say?'
'So much had been lost to him.'
'A promise made…remember.'
'Myron swallowed and looked away from those dark
eyes. He lowered his hands and pushed himself across the deck until he
shoved against the frayed padding of the slick's back wall.'
'"Ya know, McKay's taking the whole unit
an' then some to that orphanage tomorrow." Zeke wasn't looking
at him, but across the camp. He resettled his rifle across his lap.'
'"I know."'
'"It'd be nice, L-T, if you'd
come." Zeke finally looked back at the younger man. "It would
mean a lot to the men, and Lt. McKay."'
'Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.'
'"There's so much death and sadness here,
L-T. Just for one day, let yourself set it aside." Myron found
himself staring at Anderson, captured in his friend's dark eyes.'
'The one person Myron could never hold his
defenses against was this man- who from the day they first met could
reach him as no one else could. It had been Anderson's greatest gift
to him- his gift of understanding and friendship.'
'So many things had changed. Yet through it all,
Anderson was the same man Myron remembered last Christmas Eve, on a
firebase, in another lifetime.'
'Anderson extended his hand, the gesture
representing so much. Myron hesitated, blinking, and then swallowing
against the tightness in his throat. Without even realizing it, he was
already reaching back. They said nothing, the simple gesture conveying
more in that moment than any words the two could possibly say.'
'Some came to sing.
Some came to pray.
Some came to keep the dark away.'
'Myron smiled softly and gripped Zeke's arm.
Anderson smiled in return and pulled Myron across the deck to the edge
of the cargo bay.'
'"You know, Sergeant, I think I'd like to
come."'
'So raise the candles high!
Oh you know we could stay black against the night
Oh raise them higher again!
And if you do we could stay dry against the rain.